Getting over the loss of a child

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.

But God can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth and learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

"Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are OK

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me

Until your lesson is through

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start!!!

~author unknown~

Dylan Charles Pasquale was born and died January 2, 2006.  He was about 12 inches long. He had his fathers nose, his mothers hands and feet, and his great grandpa Burgess ears. He had the perfect kissing shaped mouth and just wasn't ready to come into this world.
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These were the only words I had when I lost my son. I was so in shock. I didn't know what to say or how to express my feelings. It just broke my heart. So at first I was numb. I felt nothing, I saw nothing, I heard nothing. People would be right in front of me talking to me and I didn't hear them and I didn't care to hear them.   I was in nothingness.

Then I began to grieve. Now, a lot of time when I grieve or am emotionally hurt I get mean and hateful. I pushed my husband, Chuck, away, I pushed away my parents. I said mean and hurtful things. I went home and stayed there for almost a month. I didn't answer the phone and wouldn't see friends. Then I would cry. I would cry until there were no tears and then I would scream. My insides were ripped out my heart into a million pieces. Things in my house got broken just like my heart.

Next came the guilt. I felt so guilty, maybe if I had done something different. If I hadn't worked, if I hadn't had the caffeine in my tea, too much sugar. I had an unusually hard case of "Morning Sickness" I couldn't eat anything with out getting so ill. I started to lose weight. I was miserable so much that one night I said the word that I wish I would have never said and they still bounce through my head. I told Chuck if I could end this pregnancy I would. I didn't mean it. I had just been so sick and run down for so long that I just needed a break from it and had a moment of weakness. I regret those word and always will.  I didn't mean them but the guilt-oh the guilt-it still kills me to this day.

Then there was anger. I raged out of control; why had this happened to me? Why had God taken my beautiful baby boy from me? Why was I a childless mother with empty arms. When there were so many unwed young girls that rushed to have a abortion or the ones that had abandoned their children, babies found in dumpsters - why couldn't I have a baby. I would be a good mother! I would love and cherish the child and raise him up to be a good and honorable man that loved the Lord!  Why me?  I was mad at God.

Then one day I got in a fight with Chuck. I started yelling at him about how he never wanted that baby and how it didn't hurt him and how he had just left me at home to go to work when we had just lost OUR son. Then I got a bat between the eyes metaphorically. It was then I realized Chuck had lost his son too. That was just his way of coping. I was not the only one going through this. He had lost his son too. I was not alone. I had him. He went to work that day because he needed to be busy, so he wouldn't go stir crazy, not to mention the fact that he was making us a livng.  Oh how horrible I felt-my man did not deserve the way I had treated him.

After that I had fear. Fear of getting pregnant again, fear of losing Chuck, fear of going crazy. Just Fear of Everything. I was over watchful of Chuck, constantly calling my mom to make sure she was ok, calling friends to make sure we were still friends; I was afraid of losing every one. Now - it has taken time but I am now ready to try to have a baby again but the fear is still in the back of my mind. the best way to overcome fear is to face it.

I just wanted to walk you some of the emotional steps, all of which are normal.  I love my son even though I have no photos of him. I remember his face, his body, fingers, and toes. And in my mind he was perfect.  Now I have moved on. I remember him on his birthday and on Mothers Day; those days are hard for me. It is still hard to see a newborn and to hold one. I have detached myself from young babies. It is self-preservation but in time the pain fades in the background and you go on with your life. You take joy in the small things and hope that God will bless you later with the bigger things. Just try and move on as best as you can and focus on the positive.


Dana-Lynn